Infidelity – Caught In The Act
Trust is an essential element to any relationship and is at the core of healthy relationships. Trust is built out of verbal and non-verbal communication. Unfortunately, once that trust has been abused and mishandled, it can be very difficult to rebuild.
Let’s say that you have a long-term relationship and you really love your partner, but your affair is revealed. No matter how you were caught the shock and betrayal have to be managed if you want to save the relationship. Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, anger, embarrassment, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame; but an affair does not have to mean the end of your relationship.
Here are some useful tips that may help you save your relationship:
You must end the affair. If you want to preserve the relationship with your significant other, all interactions and communications must cease immediately with the other person.
You must have open communication and tell the truth. The lie has been revealed and you must be intentional and transparent. You will feel judged and unloved during the conversations but unfortunately this is often part of the process. The worst has already occurred, and denial of the truth is insulting especially when the person is now aware of the lies. Your goal is to salvage and rebuild.
The long list of questions, the probe for details, the mixed emotions and seemingly irrational rants are a reaction to pain. If you do not want to lose your mate, you will have to endure their adjustment to learning about your secrets. Identify your issues and why you chose to break the agreement. If you do not communicate truthfully the relationship will fail. The two of you will have to determine if you want to work on saving the relationship or separate. Together the relationship needs to be examined because it has now been altered.
Apologize. You broke the agreement to be exclusive and your partner is emotionally hurt and confused. You need to communicate remorse and begin new behaviors that support your apology. Be accountable for your choices and do not attempt to put the blame on your partner.
Give your partner some space. Stress is stress; whether it is emotional, physical, mental or financial and neither of you can rush the process of getting on the other side of the issue. You must take breaks from the issues to allow ample time to evaluate and actively engage in self-care.
Seek counseling. Infidelity often reveals unspoken expectations, codependency as well as incompatible ideas and needs. Counseling provides both parties an impartial ear, objective ideas and a safe space to process the trouble spots. There is a deep dive into “why” and then “what now”. This is where new agreements and expectations are created, respect is learned, and understanding can happen.
Sometimes after overcoming a situation like this, the relationship exceeds your expectations and a healthy relationship is born. But understand, you may also find that you have had some poor coping skills, toxic learned behavior, unrealistic expectations and damaging patterns that you or both of you will have to work on managing for the duration of the relationship and your mental health. This is possible for all involved but not without empathy, patience and willingness.